The Great Call Centre Conspiracy

‘Sorry for the delay – Your call is important to us – you are in a queue and your call will be answered as soon as the first customer service agent becomes available.’

Sound familiar? The soothing tones of one of the great cons of the modern age, the Lesser Spotted Call Centre. (Lesser spotted because many are apparently migrating to India!) It’s not too far fetched to imagine that you could soon be transacting business based at the Bank of ABC
Dundee branch via a call centre in Bombay! This deeply felt, pre recorded and oft to be repeated apology is invariably accompanied by the usual Air on a G String, Four Seasons or whatever else is available from the ‘Best Of Classical’ sausage machine and is likely to be faintly recognisable to the malleable and gullible masses - if only as ‘the one from the Hovis Advert,’ The Onedin Line or whatever happens to be flavour of the month at the time.

How do they get away with it? The maths are simple. Sweep the big net far and wide and hook as many calls as possible but, and here’s the clever bit, don’t land them, put them indefinitely into a holding pen, at their own expense, until your intentionally vastly under staffed operator section can deal with them in their own time. It’s actually the same as before, if the office is busy, you don’t get through but at least under the old system you knew you weren’t getting through and, more importantly, it wasn’t costing you anything. Under ‘The New Order’ you’re still not getting through, only you think you are, the wait is longer because they’ve used a bigger net and, you’re happily shelling out for the privilege.

These companies, Banks, Building Societies or whatever, who all spend vast amounts advertising how good their service is, would have us believe that the Call Centre system is in place to help them deal better and more efficiently with our calls and they never tire of telling us so. But the reality of the matter is that, OK it might route calls more efficiently to the departments able to deal with them, but, if these departments are, because of advanced technology and an eye focused solely on profit, cut to the bone as far as, I think they call staff ‘human resources’ now, is concerned then there is no way, other than dead slow and stop, that they can deal with the overflowing denizens of the holding pens.

As I’ve said, the maths couldn’t be simpler, so simple in fact that companies can not possibly be oblivious to the obvious that 500 into 15 won’t go efficiently, irrespective of whether or not it’s routed through 50 on the way! It obviously suits them to operate in this manner, their systems are designed this way, it is not something they are striving to improve no matter how much the front line ‘complaint fielders’ would have you believe otherwise. This is how they want it. But there is, for them, one flaw in the operation, a flaw which is beyond their direct control and that is that it relies completely on the unthinking, uncomplaining compliance of those who are having their bellies tickled in the pens and who seem quite happy to swim about aimlessly, often for 20minutes and more being soothed by calming music and listening to the pre-recorded platitudes of ‘The Company,’ while paying for the privilege so to do.

We are victims of our own complacency, because in order to try and do something about this situation, which I don’t imagine any customer can be particularly happy about, requires more than complaining to the person who eventually answers the phone. They work from a script and won’t or, one suspects often can’t, go outwith that. That’s how it’s designed you see, nobody to shout at, nobody accessible to take responsibility and certainly nobody accessible who can initiate change. I started this article with some idea of it being a ‘Lets wake up and do something about this’ rallying call but, as I reach the point where I should be advising you how to go about this, the only method I can come up with other than direct action! is writing letters of complaint to all and sundry and that just seems so damned inadequate.

I suspect that the Lesser Spotted Call Centre will thrive and indeed proliferate, with many mutations springing up in the economically attractive Far East. The majority of us will be content to flap our tails idly in the shadow of a lilypad while being gently soothed by piped Pavarotti. while a militant minority, with which I am well acquainted, will continue to shout and curse ineffectually at the poor wee lassie who eventually becomes free to deal with the head of the queue.

What is the time difference between Delhi and Dundee anyway?